Active Listening: More Than Just Hearing
We often believe we’re listening when someone speaks, but many times we’re only catching the surface. Our minds are busy preparing what to say next, making judgments, or rushing to fix the problem. Active listening is something different. It’s a practice of presence, curiosity, and compassion — and it has the power to transform conversations.
What Is Active Listening?
Active listening goes beyond hearing the words someone is saying. It’s about:
Giving your full attention.
Listening for tone, emotion, and meaning.
Staying curious instead of assuming.
Creating space where the other person feels truly seen.
In therapy, active listening is a cornerstone of healing. In daily life, it can be the difference between surface-level exchanges and deeper, more authentic connections.
Core Elements of Active Listening
1. Presence
Put distractions aside — silence your phone, turn toward the person, soften your body. Presence communicates, “You matter. I’m here.”
2. Reflection
Show you heard by reflecting back: “What I’m hearing is that you felt left out when that happened.” Reflection is not parroting; it’s demonstrating understanding.
3. Curiosity
Instead of rushing to solutions, stay open. Ask: “Can you tell me more?” or “What felt hardest about that?” Genuine curiosity makes space for the other person’s truth.
4. Validation
Validation means acknowledging feelings even if you don’t agree with the content. “I can see that was painful for you.” This reassures the other person that their inner world is respected.
5. Silence
Allow pauses. Silence gives space for depth. Sometimes the most healing thing is your calm, attentive presence.
The Role of “I” Statements
Active listening often pairs well with using “I” statements in your own responses. They help you communicate honestly without sounding blaming or defensive.
Instead of: “You never listen to me.”
Try: “I feel unheard when I’m interrupted.”
“I” statements share your perspective while still leaving room for the other person’s experience. They keep the conversation collaborative rather than combative.
Noticing Defensiveness, Triggers, and Knowing When to Pause
One of the biggest challenges to active listening is what happens inside us.
We may notice the urge to prepare our rebuttal.
Or, something the other person says might trigger us — suddenly we feel defensive, judged, or misunderstood.
When that happens, we’ve left listening mode and shifted into protection mode.
The practice is to notice it: “I can feel my body getting tense. I’m planning my reply instead of hearing them.”
Take a breath. See if you can pause your reaction long enough to return to listening. Sometimes naming it gently helps: “I noticed I got defensive just now. Let me come back to what you were saying.”
And if you realize you can’t regulate in that moment — if you’re unable to truly hear the other person, or you feel the other person cannot hear you — it’s okay to ask for space. Stepping away isn’t giving up; it’s choosing to return when both of you can engage with more clarity and care. What matters is making a plan to come back to the conversation, so the other person doesn’t feel abandoned or dismissed.
Why It Matters
Builds trust and safety in relationships.
Helps conflicts move toward resolution instead of escalation.
Strengthens empathy — we step into the other’s perspective.
Deepens intimacy: people feel cared for when they feel truly heard.
A Simple Practice to Try
Next time you’re in conversation:
Put down your phone.
Make eye contact.
Notice when your mind drifts into planning or defensiveness — and gently return to listening.
Reflect back one thing you heard.
If you need to share your perspective, use an “I” statement.
If you feel too triggered to stay present, ask for space and agree to return later.
In Summary…
Active listening is a gift. It doesn’t require fixing or perfect words — only presence. By noticing when we drift into defensiveness or reactivity, by using “I” statements, and by giving ourselves permission to pause when needed, we make space for deeper understanding.
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