Why We Numb
There are moments when feeling feels like too much.
So we disconnect — from our bodies, our emotions, and sometimes even from the parts of ourselves that most need our care.
We stay busy.
We scroll.
We help everyone else.
We avoid the quiet.
It’s easy to see these patterns as weakness or avoidance. But what if they’re something wiser — a strategy that once helped us survive what felt unbearable?
How Numbing Begins
For many of us, numbing started early.
As children, we may have had emotions that were too big for the space we were in — sadness, fear, anger, longing — but no one to hold them with us.
When there’s no one who can stay present with our pain, our system learns to manage it alone.
And when that becomes too much, we find ways to turn the volume down.
We learned, often silently:
“If I don’t feel, I can stay in control.”
“If I don’t feel, I won’t need what isn’t there.”
“If I don’t feel, I can keep going.”
That was wisdom — the body’s way of keeping us safe.
The Parts That Numb
In the language of Internal Family Systems (IFS), the parts that help us numb are protectors.
They carry the burden of keeping pain at bay, often by disconnecting us from our inner experience.
These parts might show up as:
The Busy One who fills every hour.
The Distracted One who turns to screens, food, or work.
The Rational One who stays in the head and out of the heart.
The Detached One who quietly withdraws from connection.
Each of these parts once learned that feeling too much could lead to overwhelm or rejection.
They’re not the problem — they’re evidence of how resourceful your system has always been.
The Cost of Staying Numb
Over time, though, numbness begins to limit us.
It keeps us safe, but also keeps us separate — from others, from life, from ourselves.
We start to notice that even joy feels muted, that we’re moving through days on autopilot.
Healing begins when we can turn toward these protective parts with curiosity instead of judgment.
The First Step: Awareness
Awareness is the doorway.
Noticing when we’re disconnected — when we go blank, reach for distraction, or suddenly “check out” — begins to loosen the pattern.
Instead of forcing ourselves to “feel more,” we can pause and ask:
What’s happening inside me right now?
Is there a part of me that’s trying to protect me?
What might it be afraid would happen if I allowed more feeling?
Simply recognizing that a protective part is active already begins to create space for Self — the calm, compassionate awareness at the center of us all.
Working with the Numbing Parts
Once we can notice these parts with kindness, the next step is relationship.
You might silently say:
“I see you. You’ve been working hard to keep me safe.”
“You don’t have to go away — I just want to understand you.”
This gentle curiosity helps the part begin to trust that it no longer has to hold everything alone.
It’s not about getting rid of numbness; it’s about including it in your awareness, until it softens on its own.
RAIN: A Practice for Coming Back
A helpful practice here is RAIN, a mindfulness process developed by Tara Brach.
It mirrors the IFS approach beautifully and can be used when you notice yourself numbing or disconnecting.
Recognize what’s happening — “I’m shutting down right now.”
Allow the experience to be there — without needing to fix it.
Investigate with curiosity — “What part of me is active? What is it protecting?”
Nurture — offer warmth, care, or presence to that part, as if to a child who’s scared.
RAIN invites us to meet our inner world with the same compassion we may have longed for when we were young.
Over time, it helps rebuild safety within — so we no longer have to disconnect to feel okay.
If you’d like a guided way to practice this kind of gentle awareness, you can explore some of my guided meditations here.
I recommend starting with “Coming Home to the Body” or “Meeting the Protector Parts” — both offer a space to slow down, reconnect, and meet your inner world with kindness.
A Closing Reflection
If you find yourself numbing, it means your system learned a brilliant way to protect you when you had to face pain alone.
Healing begins when we can thank those parts for what they’ve done — and slowly let them know that we’re here now, present and capable of holding what once felt too hard.
The goal isn’t to get rid of numbness, but to expand your capacity to stay connected, gently, to all that you are.
